eleutheromania

I have lived under the delusion for years that freedom cannot exist without misery – that despair and liberation share the same heartbeat – that love is painful and love is freedom, thus freedom, must too, be painful.

I was wrong. And I feel it.

There is only one person who I’ve ever fully immersed myself in. One person that I can confidently say I was (and probably always will be) madly in love with. I loved him because he personified freedom, which is ironically what has consistently landed him in prison for decades at a time. I’ve sacrificed the entirety of my being to be by his side on numerous occasions. But the freedom would last mere moments, and the misery that followed has lasted years. I don’t know why I’m shocked that he was yet again able to have this effect on me from behind bars, and I could have predicted I would be swept away by cold, dark, and bitter feelings once more. I should have detached years ago but I couldn’t, probably more so wouldn’t. At times, he made me feel free, but more often than not, including now, he left me defeated and lost.

So what is the lesson here? Freedom isn’t real if it’s dependent on someone else. If anyone has to “make” you feel free, you’re doomed to end up more trapped than you were before.

I’ve thought for years that the short time I spent with Josh was the only true freedom I had ever felt. Truthfully though? It wasn’t real freedom. Which means I can’t say I’ve ever felt freedom at all. I don’t know if I’d even recognize her if she came knocking. I can only assume it’s one of those things where you just know. I hope one day I will find out.

So tonight I have no beautiful progress or words of hope to share. I’ve spun back down into the self defeating fall out of unreciprocated emotions and I feel even farther from all that I want.

That’s my truth right now. I’m not happy, I’m not free, and I’m sure as hell not about to pretend that a hundred cigarettes weren’t just put out on my heart. Perhaps the positive is that I know it’s alive and well now, because I sure as fuck feel something.

I hear Elliot Smith playing in my head as I think; “Did you miss me, Miss Misery?”